For my mom and Brain Cancer Awareness
Yet again another Holiday without my mom! If she were here, we would be together as an extended family. Having a BBQ and swimming. Today we are doing our own things, separately. Life has definitely changed...and I am not use to it!
I was driving home Thursday from work and the music in my car stopped and it was completely silent...so I started to talk to mom. I said,
mom if you are here, can you flick my ear?" Nothing happened...so a couple seconds later I said, "mom if you are here, can you pull my hair?" Again nothing happened, so I continued driving and all of a sudden the back of my shirt was tugged...I started to tear up and said "Hi Mom! Do you like my singing?"
Seven months today my world turned upside down...I have my good days and I have my very bad days...but as I try to live each day at a time and make the best out of everything I have, I am dealing with the fact that there is never enough time.
I love my mom more than anything and would do anything for her! She is my best friend, my hero, my security blanket and my mentor! Feeling alone and lost without her has been an experience in the past seven months and I am growing stronger and learning so much about me...I am finding that I am very much like my mom and I love it. There is no one else in this world I would rather be like. I just hope she is proud of me and knows how much I miss her!
Sometimes we wonder, 'What did I do to deserve this?' or 'Why did God have to do this to me?' Here is a wonderful explanation! I received this message from a friend and I really needed to read this today. I hope you like it!
A daughter is telling her mother how everything is going wrong: she's failing algebra ; her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, 'Absolutely, Mom, I love your cake.'
'Here, have some cooking oil,' her Mother offers. 'Yuck,' says her daughter..
'How about a couple raw eggs?' 'Gross, Mom!'
'Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?'
'Mom, those are all yucky!'
To which the mother replies: 'Yes, all those things seem bad by themselves But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!
God is crazy about you! He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
...I hope your Day is a piece of Cake!
There is nothing like going on vacation, turning your cell phone off and actually doing nothing; especially in paradise. Dad, Heather and myself are currently in Hawaii. This is our third day of a 10 day trip and so far it has been playing at the beach, laying out in the sun and talking about Mom. Last week it was six months and today is six months since her memorial. Even though she is phyiscally not with us, she is sure with us in spirit. We are talking about her constantly and thinking about what she would say in certain situations. I have caught myself saying more than once that I wish she were here (after all she is mostly what I talk about and all that I think about), but I have a feeling that she is. I love you mom!
You never know who you might meet and what connection you might have with that person, but I strongly feel that every person is bought into our lives for a reason or a season. I met this woman who lives in Washington. Her three year old son had Mom's disease. He lost his battle one month ago today. My heart goes out to her. I feel her pain. All I could say to her is, "he is with my mom, she will take care of him." And then I cried...hard!
I always say that it is not fair that brain cancer look my mom! She was so young; had so much more life to live; so much more teaching to do, but now I think of that little 3 year old that did not even get a chance to live.
May is brain cancer awareness month. Make sure people are aware of our story of mom and of all the other hero's who lost their battle fighting and those who are still fighting to survive. Have hope, without it we have nothing!
REMEMBER...
SHE FOUGHT HARD
SHE WORE GREY
SHE IS MY ANGEL
SHE IS MY MOM!
Brain Cancer Awareness
I miss mom so much!
Mom, you have a special heart
One that is full of caring
Your heart is filled with genuine love
A love that you're always sharing
You always give so much of yourself
To the people that are around you
Adding a richness to their lives
By all the things that you do
Gentle and wise to all their needs
You see only the good in others
And that's what makes you the best
A wonderful loving Mother
Today is Mom's 56th birthday! Brandon and I went to visit her this morning and as we sat with her, I felt her sitting in between us. I miss you mom so much! Happy Birthday Mom! I love you!
Have you ever wanted or needed a hug so badly that it ruined your entire day? That is the day I had, but the person I want the hug from I cannot get it from. My mom's hugs were so special and no one will ever be able to hug me and give me the secure feelings like mom could.
Yesterday we all went miniature golf. It was Carson's first time and he did very well, according to him. Thank you to Gail, Kayli and Nikolaus for agreeing to go along. It was a lot of fun! Following are a few pictures from our adventure. 
I am spending the day with Sidney today and she is asking so many questions. Why this and why that...she is so inquisitive. Just as I started to get a little frustrated with all her questions, I heard mom's voice in the back of me head, "be patience, Sidney is just a baby!" That is just what I needed to hear. Even though mom is not physically here, she is always with me! I love that.
Since I was younger, I have always used the phrase..."time goes by when you are having fun!" Now I have come to the realization that time goes by even when you are not having fun. It has been three months today since I along with my entire family watched my mom take her last breath and go to heaven. It fills like it has been longer than three months, but at the same time it feels like it was just yesterday because I still see her face and can hear her faint moan like I did that day every time I try to go to sleep.
I miss my mom so much and I think about her constantly. I am getting better about going out and trying to have fun, but I am still retreating to my bedroom alone. The pain is getting easier to deal with, but I am still having problems functioning. I love my mom so much and am trying to put forth the effort to be "me" everyday, but it seems that it is taking longer than I thought.
I love you so very much mom!
"Hurt"
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away
Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you
Mom would do anything to make our birthday extra special for each one of my brothers and sisters. It started early for me, but I did not want my mom to say Happy Birthday until the time I was born...which was 12:08 pm on 02/02. Since mom is not physically here (which made it a very emotional day)I decided to go visit her at my birth time. 
I always buy two blue roses, for mom's beautiful blue eyes, 9 carnations one for each of her babies and grandbabies and two cabbage flowers to feed the deer. I sat and talked/cried with mom for an hour. I needed/wanted to be with her. I wish she was physically here to hold me, but I felt her around me. That was a nice gift!
After leaving my visit with mom, dad and I went to Disneyland. The following are a few pictures from our adventure...it was a blast!
Today I am 30~ and it is a day I did not want to come...not because I am afraid of getting older, it is because it is a day I knew I would have to go through without my mom! I remember finally being told the truth by a doctor back in early November...I asked him if my mom was going to beat brain cancer and he looked at me and told me honestly that "no, your mom has a very bad disease! She is not going to make it! It is my job to prolong her life, but I cannot save it" 13 days later she passed. I knew then that today would not be a happy day for me like for other people that turn 30. I knew that I would cry and want my mom with me more than ever.
I love my mom so much! My birthday was always a day that was special for both of us. She knew how much I loved being the center of attention on this day and she gave it to me...always going out of her way to let me know how much she loved me. Dad is doing that in his own way. We are going to visit mom and then going to spend the rest of the day at Disneyland. I just want to feel the love of my mom today! That would be the best gift I could ever ask for!
The moments are few that I don't think of you.
The desire to speak, laugh and joke with you is always there.
The closeness you have brought to the family is truly a work of your spirit. The desire for us to be close is something that has been carried on and you would be happy and proud.
The ability that you have given each of your children to grow, and the chance to become better people is truly great gift.
Each of us in our way miss you Adele and remember you in many special ways.
As your Mom, it is difficult for me to put into words but suffice it to say; I miss you to the bottom of my aching heart.
I love and miss you very much!
Peace Adele,
Mom
I still cry myself to sleep...
I still stare at pictures of my Mom...
I still talk to her wishing I could hear her voice...
I still go to her resting place even though she is really not there...
I still wonder why my Mom...
I still wonder why now...
I still have to remind myself this is not a nightmare, but my reality...
I still ache inside...
I have to agree with Erin. It seems longer than two months.
I really miss my sister.
I miss her smile and her laugh.
I miss her advice and her reassurance.
I miss being able to call her anytime and anywhere.
Still not sure why it had to be her or why it had to be now but I hope someone, someday will be able to explain it to me.
I miss you Adele! There isn't a day that you aren't thought of.
Love you - - Me
It has been two months today since my mom went behind the vail. She is missed so much and there is rarely a day that I do not cry. This has been the most difficult two months in my entire life and as I sat next to my mom's grave this morning, I felt that there will be many more difficult months of greiving and missing my mom. I am learning a lot about myself and life going through this experience and hope that I am not only a stronger woman for dealing with this loss, but also make my mother proud for the woman that I am becoming.
Hi Mom,
I wanted to let you know that we are taking care of Dad...I am sure that you are aware, but he is not sleeping much and has he good and bad days...missing you...so I am trying to think of what you would do to try to lift his spirits...I went and made some 5x7's of his favorite pictures of you and put them all around your room. I figure if he cannot sleep, at least he has all the pictures around him to talk to you and remember you.
We miss you mom! I hope you are proud of me as you watch and take care of me. I love you!
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